Raising teens with values

Jewish Family Identity Forum By Candace R. Kwiatek, The Dayton Jewish Observer

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From business to academia to sports, we are exposed to unrighteous yet highly successful behavior every day. Of course society is negatively affected bit by bit.

However, in some ways it is our teens who are most impacted: what are they learning? Opening a recent lecture to high school students, Jewish lecturer Dennis Prager asked, “If you knew with absolute certainty that you could steal something from a store and not get caught, would you steal?” Virtually every student said yes.

Wealth. Winning. Wiliness. Willfulness. Want. Of course, we encourage our kids to be successful, hope they become financially comfortable. Certainly, we expect our children to have goals, to want some things in life. But at all costs? Should we encourage them to live by let the buyer beware? Is our message that the ends justify the means? Are we teaching that it’s OK if you can get away with it? All too often these are the messages our teens are absorbing, even if such ideas aren’t what we intend.

While the values of common culture may be undesirable, Jewish values present a different challenge: they appear to be overwhelming: Kashrut (Jewish dietary laws). Tikun olam (repairing the world). Lovingkindness. Tzedakah (righteous giving). Shem tov (a good name). Prayer. And the list goes on and on. Where does one even begin? Are there a few fundamental life principles that could serve as teen touchstones?

Purpose of life. In the first chapters of the Torah — also known as the Book of Life — we learn a key principle: humans are created in the image of God. Thus, the purpose of life is to do good, like God, as we master the earth.

Jewish tradition differs from the views of philosophers who say life’s purpose is duty or acceptance or belief or authenticity. It also disagrees with modernists who reduce life’s purpose to fun, happiness, self-actualization, or achievement. As I told my children: “Your job is to use the gifts God gave you to do good, and in the end leave the world a little better for your having been here.” Live a purposeful life.

Behavior in life. Don’t check your brain at the door was our family’s warning against deciding, choosing, or acting based on emotion. It reflects a basic Jewish tenet: If the purpose of life is to do good, then our conscious, willful actions — decisions, choices, behaviors and their consequences — are more significant than our emotions or intentions. Arriving late to an appointment despite the desire to be on time isn’t doing good. Holding your temper with an incompetent clerk is doing good. Using a cloth grocery sack to save the environment isn’t doing good if it spreads salmonella. Training teen mothers how to play appropriately with their children — despite disapproval of their unwed situation — is doing good if it creates a healthier family. Judaism challenges each of us to constantly evaluate our lives in terms of “Am I doing good?” Live a meaningful life by doing good.

Attitude toward life. “Which is more important,” Prager asks, “getting into a good university or saying thank-you to a waitress?” You might think the tradition that first brought universal education to the world would argue for the university, but you would be wrong. Gratitude, and the expression of it, holds a higher rank on the scale of Jewish values.

In the beginning of the Book of Exodus we read, “And there arose a Pharaoh who knew not Joseph,” which commentators conclude indicates a lack of appreciation for earlier Israelites’ accomplishments and contributions to Egypt. Pharaoh’s lack of gratitude led to great tragedies for both peoples. Gratitude — the perspective of the glass half full, a focus on what one has rather than what one doesn’t, a positive outlook — is a key source of happiness and goodness. People who are ungrateful always want more, and therefore can’t be happy with what they already have.

It is also difficult to find an ungrateful person who engages in doing good: he is too focused on himself and what he lacks to consider uplifting others. Live with an attitude of gratitude.

Place in life. Unlike the traditional kibbutznik, today’s youth is about the individual, “putting their own needs first and focusing on feeling good about themselves,” according to Jean Tweng in Millennials Are More ‘Generation Me’ Than ‘Generation We,’ Study Finds by Joanna Chau.

Neither extreme is healthy for the self or for society, Jewish traditions suggests in its famous adage: “If I’m not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I?”

A sole focus on the self provides no incentive to do good for others; a singular focus on community leaves little opportunity to find one’s unique purpose or develop a singular sense of gratitude. Live in balance with self and society.

What do we really want our teens to know about how to live? Perhaps we can begin the conversation in reverse: What would your teens like written someday in their epitaphs? He was a millionaire? She was a Ph.D.? He got everything he wanted? She was self-actualized? Or… here lies a mensch? How they answer will determine how they live.

Family Discussion: Along the lines of Dennis Prager, ask your children the following question: “Which do you think I/we (your parents) most want you to be: Smart? Wealthy? Good? Successful? Happy?” As a follow-up after they answer, ask, “How do you know?” Have you been successful in communicating what you most value? What Judaism most values?

Literature to share

An Unspeakable Crime: The Prosecution and Persecution of Leo Frank by Elaine Alphin: This recounting of the background, trial and lynching of Leo Frank, wrongly convicted of the murder of a teenage factory girl, is as gripping as a horror novel. An illustrated book for teens and adults, it includes photographs, documents, and excerpts from news reports and trial testimony that bring a touch of reality to a surreal story. Not to be missed.

The American Jewish Story Through Cinema by Eric Goldman: Hot off the press, Goldman’s study explores the Jewish American experience in the 20th century as it is reflected in mainstream movies. Using nine films from The Jazz Singer to Everything is Illuminated, the author shows how films document the evolution of Jewish self-image, identity, and heritage in America. Watch the movies as you read the book.

Candace R. Kwiatek is a writer, educator and consultant in Jewish and secular education.