High Holy Days humor? Is this some kind of joke? Actually, yes.

Rosh Hashanah ushers in the most solemn period of the Jewish calendar that culminates 10 days later on Yom Kippur. This is a serious time of introspection and cheshbon nefesh, a spiritual accounting.

But Jews being Jews, there’s also time for a smile or two. Here are some things to ponder amid your introspecting. Or to keep you rolling in the shul aisles.

Many synagogues and temples across North America still issue tickets for High Holy Day seating. Several forward-thinking congregations now find it a competitive edge to allow you to specify your seat location. Here are excerpts from one form I came across:

I want a seat located
(Indicate order of priority:)
___ On the aisle
___ Near the pulpit
___ In Aruba
(http://bit.ly/hhh01)

On the first night of Rosh Hashanah, there is a tradition to eat foods with Hebrew names that have dual meanings, omens of an auspicious year to come.

We eat apples and honey so “…that You renew us for a good and sweet year,” and the head of a fish or sheep so “…that we be as the head and not as the tail (http://bit.ly/hhh02).”

Apples and honey and sheep heads are fine, if you like that sort of thing. But here’s one suggestion for an update to the custom: Cut a raisin in two equal pieces and place it along with a piece of iceberg lettuce in a stalk of celery. While eating this, you should say, “Our Father in Heaven, lettuce half a raisin celery (http://bit.ly/hhh03).”

Q. Why didn’t the computerized shofar work on Rosh Hashanah?
A. The rabbi didn’t buy enough RAM (http://bit.ly/hhh28).”

Speaking of technology and the holidays, a big baseball fan comes running to his rabbi before Yom Kippur. “Rabbi, I have a dilemma. The Sox are playing their big game on Yom Kippur. What do I do?” The rabbi replies, “Well, what do you think they invented VCRs for?” And the congregant replies, “Rabbi, that’s a great idea! But… I didn’t know Yom Kippur services were on cable (http://bit.ly/hhh06).”

As all good Jews know, Rosh Hashanah is the time to ask for and grant forgiveness. Well it seems that Stephen Colbert knows that too. You’ve probably never met the Colbert Report star but if you want him to forgive you, all you have to do is leave a message at 1-888-OOPS-JEW after you hear something like this: “Shalom, and welcome to Stephen Colbert’s atonement hotline. At the tone, please be a mensch, and unburden your soul by stating how you’ve wronged me – Stephen Colbert. Your call will not be returned but selected apologies will be played on the air. You should be so lucky (http://bit.ly/hhh24).”

In a heated moment, we may let slip some words that would have been best left unsaid. That was true during the last presidential election when things occasionally got out of hand.

Here in this video (courtesy Taglit-Birthright), then-candidates McCain and Obama, Biden and Palin try to get into the Rosh Hashanah forgiveness spirit. (http://bit.ly/hhh11).

Life is short. And so is this column. In order to maximize the mirth and to keep you from saying, “I heard it already,” I present to you five classic High Holy Days punch lines. To read the jokes in their entirety, simply visit the websites.

1. “Please,” says the (synagogue) president with tears in his eyes, “Shoot me first (http://bit.ly/hhh16).”

2. Seeing this, the chazan nudges the rabbi and whispers, “So look who thinks he’s nothing (http://bit.ly/hhh17)?”

3. “$4 for the tallis, and $20 to get all the knots out (http://bit.ly/hhh18).”

4. The gabbai came running over and said, “Not on you, on the Torah, on the Torah (http://bit.ly/hhh21).”

5. “Shush,” the parrot says. “Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur (http://bit.ly/hhh22).”

Finally, here is Yaakov “Dry Bones” Kirschen’s take on Yom Kippur, Israel and world politics: On the Day of Atonement we say, “We have sinned. We have sinned.” The rest of the year we have the UN…to tell us that (http://bit.ly/hhh33).

Mark Mietkiewicz is a Toronto-based Internet producer who writes, lectures and teaches about the Jewish Internet. He can be reached at highway@rogers.com.