Wonderful weddings 2007

Vicki Bernie

Special To The Dayton Jewish Observer

Whether it began with a secret rendezvous culminating in elopement or an epiphany in a Paris taxi, there probably isn’t a single married couple who doesn’t look back occasionally and think, “If only we knew then what we know now.”

“Times were different in 1949,” said Lois Unger. “We ran away and got married… just went across the river to Kentucky and said our vows in a rabbi’s study. We don’t even remember what city it was. My Dad wanted us to wait until I finished college.”

Lois and her husband, Gil, raised four children while working full time. She was the head of The Miami Valley School’s lower school and he taught band and orchestra with Dayton Public Schools, giving private music lessons at home and playing with bands on the weekends. As a result, they shared responsibilities.

“I knew that Lois had the intrinsic basic knowledge about life, so I just turned it over to her,” Gil said. “At only one point, I blew my stack, when, after taking three of the kids to the dentist to have all of this work done, she rewarded them for their good behavior and bought them each a candy bar!”

Lois responded, ” I could never have done everything I did without him jumping in. That is very important…to act as a partnership. We hear each other. We listen. You have to learn to take care of each other.”

The Ungers agreed that as you get older you need to step back and look at the moment, to look calmly at each situation.

“The word health goes to the top of your list,” Lois said. “We need to look at what’s important to each other. You also learn to put life’s tragedies in a place where you can use them in a positive way. The grieving is always there, but you don’t let grief rule your lives.

Renewing their wedding vows on their 55th anniversary in June 2004, the Ungers finally had a “real wedding.”

“The value was making an example for our grandchildren,” Gil said. “We made them a part of the process. They all participated. Everyone signed the ketubah (marriage contract).”

“You have to help your children develop an attitude, a feeling about you,” Lois added. “My children and grandchildren have become my best friends.”

“In May of 1980, we had a really big wedding — as a matter of fact, the music was Gil Unger and his orchestra,” Renee Rubin Handel recalled.

As they were getting ready for their wedding, Renee was living out of town, working full time for the Ohio Department of Health while Frank, her husband-to-be, was finishing up his cardiology fellowship at Duke Medical School.

“My Mom had to take care of most of the details . She did a wonderful job!”

The Handels renewed their vows in May 2005 on their 25th wedding anniversary, and this time they did their own planning.

“The first time we worried about minor details, like the table arrangements and whether or not to have a long or round head table, but both times I felt very emotional about all of the people who came together about us,” Renee said.

“For the renewal, we did the planning. We made a second panel of our ketubah, which was very significant to us. It is hanging on our bedroom wall. The music was played by family members. It was very meaningful and personal. Our four children participated. We wrote our own vows. The greatest gift we could give our kids was to show them how much we love each other and how our love has evolved.”

Renee and Frank feel that it is important for children to see their parents as a loving couple as well as in parenting roles and as professionals.

“When you love somebody, you recognize that you have to overlook things that would normally annoy you,” Frank said.

“We were in a taxi in Paris arguing over whether we were going to a flea market, and the driver said, ‘We French men know how to understand women. If you let a woman do whatever she wants, love will flow!’ The things that we might have argued about 20 years ago — we laugh about now.”

Renee feels that they have learned to trust in their own inner wisdom and patience.

“We know that answers don’t come overnight. There are no quick fixes. You have to trust in your heart that things will go in the right direction.”

Not quite ready to renew their vows, Adam and Lauren Baumgarten were married Sept. 3 and live in Beavercreek with Austin and Chim-Chim, their dogs.

Lauren attends Wright State University and Adam graduated from the University of Pittsburgh in 2003. Adam is now in partnership with caterer Steve Bernstein.

“The wedding was fantastic,” Lauren said of their ceremony and reception, held at the Dayton Art Institute. “The wedding isn’t about the how great the party is or how much money is spent, it’s about getting married.”

She noted that a few things didn’t go as planned. “I even had to have a trash can at the chupah because I was sick! Certain little details were not what I wanted, but in all actuality, no one noticed those things except me.”

Lauren and Adam also assigned certain friends and family members to oversee various aspects of the wedding.

“We had a close friend help direct everyone and make sure everyone was in the right place,” she said as an example.

Even in the short time they’ve been married, they have learned the importance of valuing the differences in each other.

“We understand that we have different opinions about things and we try to respect them,” Adam said.

He explained that when they disagree they don’t allow it to escalate into something bigger. Lauren feels that appreciating what your spouse does and how he goes about certain things as an individual is very important.

“The most important thing, I believe, are the common vows, love, honor and respect. You have to respect one another.”

Having fun together, but also understanding a need for space apart is something Adam feels works well in their marriage.

Lauren thinks that although their love is obvious, it can be shown in subtle ways.

“Small gestures such as making sure he/she has breakfast in the morning or having his/her favorite snack or drink after work make a big difference. As always, treat one another as you want to be treated and know that when you argue, most of the time you are just venting to the one you know will always love you!”

© 2007 The Dayton Jewish Observer