By Toby Klein Greenwald, Special To The Dayton Jewish Observer, January 2010

Once there was a bride who was upset because her sister-in-law didn’t congratulate her at her wedding. When she confronted her on the issue later, the sister-in-law said, by way of apology, “Really? I didn’t even notice.”

Not an auspicious beginning and the bitterness remained in the bride’s heart for decades.

There are three kinds of difficult relatives or situations that one may encounter when preparing for a wedding.

The first is a relative who makes unreasonable demands or who interferes or behaves in unwelcome ways.

The second kind of difficult relative may exist as a result of divorce, remarriage or a step/blended situation in your original nuclear family.

The third and perhaps most common is a difficult in-law situation.

Accepting a new member of the family or becoming one can be wonderful. Or it can be as difficult as grafting a cactus shoot onto a water lily.

Both sides have to be open-minded, open-hearted and (when feasible) open-fisted in order for the transition to go smoothly.

Even if the relationships don’t flow naturally, at the very least, you have to pick your battles.

General rules

Rule One: Be firm but always polite. Always.Throughout the period of engagement, marriage and long-term family life, we will have to deal with a lot of people and situations and the amount of control we have is sometimes limited.

Remember the wise words of Carl W. Buechner, “They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.”

When you’ve made a decision that you know someone won’t like, tell him or her about it graciously.

Rule Two: Know thyself. Be aware of your own limits.

Don’t do something just to make someone else happy if as a result you will never forgive them. If you detest pink with all your heart but you agree to that color scheme only because your grandmother wants it — well, do you really want to think about that in the years to come, every time you see your beloved grandmother? Buy her a pink corsage to wear at the wedding.

Rule Three: Keep your eye on the ball. Remember what is important.

What your guests will remember from your wedding is that there was joy between the couple and among the guests. And if they choose to remember something less important, the flaw is with them, not with your planning.

Leah Shifrin Averick, an expert on family and in-law relations, puts the question succinctly in one of the chapters of her book, Don’t Call Me Mom, How To Improve Your In-Law Relationships.

She writes: “If the couple pays for all the arrangements, they may have things exactly as they wish. But if you turn to parents for financial assistance, be prepared to compromise some of your wishes.”

In her suggestions to the parents, she writes: “Remember that it is your child’s and future adult child in-law’s marriage celebration, as well as yours. Be there to help your adult children carry out their ideas and plans. Also, do not forget to consider the wishes and needs of the other set of parents.”

Close to home

The parents (not without some justification) feel that they have a right to an opinion. If your mom or dad do not want to take out a third mortgage on the house to pay for your wedding, they’re not being difficult; they’re being sane.

Even if you feel their frugality is unjustified, remember that it’s their money to do with as they wish. The “work” you have to be doing is not on their willingness to part with it, but on your own expectations.

Or the opposite could be true: the bride and groom want a small affair, and the parents feel that, due to friendship, love or obligation, they “owe” invitations to many more guests.

One solution is to have an elegant, by-invitation-only kiddush, sheva brachot or other event to which you invite the larger circle, telling the bride and groom to grin and bear it, and writing on the invitation, “The young couple has asked for a small wedding, but you are dear to our hearts and we’d like you to join us at….”

What about your rebellious siblings, who want to come in torn jeans or in a tight, short strapless dress (to a religious wedding)? Or the fervently Orthodox uncle or vegetarian cousin who asks for special catering? Or your aunt, who is a mediocre flower arranger who will feel hurt forever if you don’t employ her, and her second-rate photographer son?

Grit your teeth about your siblings, remember they are no reflection on you. Order take-out for the special food cases. Let your aunt prepare the bride’s chair and grandma’s pink corsage, and have her son shoot slides.

Divorce & blended families

By now divorce etiquette is solidly ensconced in our culture, from the wording on wedding invitations to who walks the bride and groom to the wedding canopy, a point that is more of an issue in traditional Jewish weddings where it is not only the father walking the bride, but both parents. If they’re divorced, they may not want to make the trek together.

In Israel, and in Chasidic circles, this is often solved by following the old Jerusalemite custom of the mothers walking the bride and the fathers walking the groom.

What if the spouse who raised the children, or the bride or groom have suffered emotional or physical abuse at the hands of one of the parents?

What if alimony or child support was not paid, or if the child was abandoned? To what extent does the bride or groom “owe” a wedding invitation to a father or mother who has caused him or her severe pain, and who comes out of the woodwork for the wedding?

The bride or groom about to marry may refuse to have any contact with that parent, but may be willing to have him or her at the ceremony. The ultimate decision should be their own.

No one else has any way of knowing the extent of the emotional pain they may have suffered, and they should not be expected to relive it on their wedding day.

In any case, the decision should be made in advance. Allowing the unwanted parent to show up and embarrassing that parent at the event is classless and cruel.

Go out of your way to treat step-parents and step-siblings with extra affection and attention, as they may be coming with their own set of discomfort and baggage.

Toward in-laws, not outlaws

Rabbi Abraham Twerski, M.D., in his introduction to an upcoming new edition of one of Averick’s books, In-Laws/A New Theory of Relativity, writes: “The in-law relationships occur essentially among adults whose personalities have already been well established. Nevertheless, marriage is a new phenomenon, and just as early life experiences can influence the lifetime of an individual, so can in-law experiences in the infancy of the marriage affect the lifetime of in-law relationships.

“It stands to reason that if in-law relationships get off to a favorable start, they are more likely to continue smoothly, and if problems should subsequently arise, there will be a background of communication and understanding that will facilitate their resolution.”

It is this favorable start that can be the key to everything. Keep reminding yourself that you did not give birth to your machetonim (your child’s in-laws), or even to your child’s choice of spouse. These are two worlds meeting. Try to meet them at least halfway.

Averick says in an e-mail interview, “As much as some things change, some things never do, especially under the in-law sun. Passionately powerful positive and negative overflow into in-law relationships… (There is) a Tunisian folk saying: ‘I wish my daughter-in-law the heat of the summer sun and I wish my daughter the heat of the winter sun.’”

To help yourself accept the new son or daughter-in-law, begin by visualizing them as your own. Take pride in their accomplishments. Identify with their problems. Accept them as your own, and the sailing with be smoother.

The same bride, in the opening paragraph, whose sister-in-law didn’t congratulate her at her wedding, told me some years later, “The only gifts my mother-in-law ever gave me were…aprons! Do you think she was trying to tell me something?”

As a parenting writer on WholeFamily.com, I shared with her my own in-law philosophy, and it’s this: “Be polite. Don’t be apologetic. Don’t complain and don’t explain. Your life is with your spouse, not with them, and you don’t want to alienate your husband by being rude to his family. Maintain good relations but don’t waste energy trying to get them to think that you’re a good person. They will ultimately respect you for it, even if they don’t like you. Send your mother-in-law flowers on her birthday, be pleasant and get on with your life with your loving spouse.”

As for the wedding: Be kind. Be patient. Think out of the box. And keep your focus on what is important.

Toby Klein Greenwald is the mother of six, mother-in-law of three, and the editor-in-chief of WholeFamily.com.