The Jewish Family Identity Forum with Candace Kwiatek

The Dayton Jewish Observer

Bulging suitcases. Brand-new laptops. Sheet sets, storage containers, and a few childhood treasures adorned both bunks of the dorm room. After getting the basics in place, my niece’s parents gave her a hug, some words of encouragement, and then left her to settle in on her own.

The other mother stayed very late, overseeing every detail of the room setup, helping with textbook purchases, buying last-minute items, and organizing her daughter’s schedule.

During the following freshman orientation week, this same girl called her parents each evening, increasingly lost and tearful. By the end of the week, she had returned home.

Rule Number One: Don’t over manage. The goal of parenting isn’t to eliminate every source of pain or frustration in children’s lives. By over managing — limiting play to “safe” games; overseeing homework and projects; intervening in peer disputes; paying for car expenses, fines and credit card bills; and otherwise removing obstacles and challenges — a parent impedes the child’s ability to learn how to fend for himself and become an adult.

“When you do everything for me, then try to understand that when you tell me to leave your house, I may still be very needy because you have not taught me any of the skills that I need to survive on my own,” writes Barbara Struch with the voice of a child in A Teacher Speaks Out: The Dangers of Over-Managing Our Kids by Daniel Jordan.

The biblical narratives provide an excellent model for avoiding over management. The parent-like God starts out as the provider, evolves into a teacher and a coach, and finally stands back as an advisor.

Each approach matches the stage of the people, propelling them forward as they develop from the childlike Adam and Eve and the adventurous youthful forefathers, to the adolescent wanderers and rebels of the Exodus era, eventually reaching the stage of the self-sufficient adults of Judges and Kings.

Rule Number Two: Foster resilience or grit. “Why do you scorn suffering?” the sages of the Talmud ask (Peah 8:9). Rabbi Bradley Artson cites this text in explaining the connection between life’s challenges and strength of character in Resilience: We can learn from our trials. “The great men and women of the Torah were able to use their trials to derive great lessons about life. They wrestled with their pain and emerged wiser and better because of how they responded to it.”

In Raising Resilient Children, modern psychologists Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein concur, describing the positive response to stress, pressure, and everyday challenges, and the ability to bounce back from disappointments, adversity, and trauma, as resilience or grit.

The message for parents is clear: short of dangerous experiences, youngsters need to experience disappointment and failure in order to build their character. A parent’s job is to build resilience by encouraging and supporting the child as he or she encounters life’s twists and turns.

Rule Number Three: You’re not birthing a buddy. Lecturer Dennis Prager coined this phrase when arguing that parents should not consider their kids to be social peers, engage them as confidantes, or regard them as adult friends.

Affection and companionship, for sure, but with limits. The ideal parent-child relationship is one of friendliness and responsiveness, loyalty and trust, but with authority and respect for the adults as codified in the Ten Commandments: “You shall honor your father and your mother.”

Rule Number Four: You’re raising adults, not children. The most important question a parent must ask is not “How do I want to raise my child?” but rather “What kind of adult do I want my child to become?” Confident? Empathetic? Responsible? Generous? Smart? Fun-loving? Good? Independent? Pick carefully, because what you choose to emphasize will influence the values and character of the adult you create.

Rule Number Five: Don’t try to make your kids happy. Eleanor Roosevelt, along with child development experts and others, rightly concludes that “Happiness is not a goal…it’s a by-product of a life well lived.”

So what does such a life look like? Have few expectations to avoid a sense of entitlement. Find joy in unexpected pleasures. Develop talents for mastery and a unique identity. Make decisions that demonstrate integrity and self-respect. Engage in hobbies. Rarely complain and never whine. Do meaningful things, and do things that improve the world. Master self control. Fill your life with tasks that involve real responsibility. Nurture deep friendships.

Pursue wisdom rather than intelligence. Embrace the new and the unknown. Avoid envy. View failure as an opportunity for learning and growth. Act happy: it is a moral obligation for it brings joy and pleasure to others, making the world a better place. Express gratitude every day. If you want your kids to be happy, model and teach these values.

Rule Number Six: Endeavor to make your children good. The very first story of Genesis introduces the concept of goodness: “And God saw that it was good.”

Humans, too, are created with the potential for goodness. And the central story of the Torah, Sinai, is all about bringing a code of goodness to the world. Since parents also create a “new universe” with each child, it seems pretty obvious that goodness should be the primary endeavor of parenting.

Parenting has changed a great deal in the last 60 years, reflecting extreme cultural changes, the devaluing of wisdom, and removal of Bible-based values from the public square. It is the rare parent or school that bucks the trend, but theirs will be children of character. What about yours?

Family Discussion: How do the parents and grandparents in your family subscribe to these rules? How would implementing them impact your family? Are there any others you would add to the list?

Literature to share

Jewish Fairy Tale Feasts: A Literary Cookbook by Jane Yolen and Heidi Stemple: Designed to be shared across generations, this delightfully lively and colorful book pairs tales from around the world with thematic recipes, sprinkled liberally with cultural, culinary, and historical details. Designed for the upper elementary set, the stories are masterfully retold by award-winning author Jane Yolen and taste-tested by her daughter, the chef and co-author. It’s a perfect book to explore on rainy summer vacation days.

Sinners and the Sea: The Untold Story of Noah’s Wife by Rebecca Kanner: For those who love biblical fiction, here’s another winner in the style of The Red Tent and Rashi’s Daughters. In the Bible we read all about Noah and his sons Shem, Ham, and Japeth, but what about Noah’s unnamed wife? Who was this mother of all the generations after the Great Flood? What story could she tell? If you’ve ever wondered about the rest of the story, then this is the novel for you.