Sacred Speech Series

Jewish Family Education with Candace R. Kwiatek, The Dayton Jewish Observer

There was once a cruel king who challenged the Jews of his city to a silent duel. A losing contestant would receive 100 lashes, and if no one volunteered, it would mean death for the entire community.

Hoping to save his fellow Jews, a poor farmer stepped forward. The king began the duel by pointing one finger upward. The farmer responded by pointing straight down. When the king pointed two fingers at the Jew, he pointed one finger at the king.

The king then thrust his entire hand at the Jew, who countered by holding up his fist.

The king held up a bottle of red wine. The farmer held up a wedge of white cheese.

“Enough!” cried the king. He ordered the farmer richly rewarded and never bothered the city’s Jews again.

The royal servants were perplexed, so the king explained.

“I asserted the Jews are as numerous as the stars, but the farmer implied they are grains of sand under my feet. Then I declared there are two gods, of good and evil, but the Jew insisted there is only one. When I indicated the Jews are scattered, the farmer maintained they are united.

Finally, I proclaimed the farmer’s sins are as red as wine, but he argued they are as white as cheese.”

Meanwhile, the farmer told his fellow Jews a different story. “The king pointed up, saying I would hang, so I pointed down, saying he could go to hell! Then he threatened to gouge out my eyes, but I reminded him an eye for an eye! When he readied to slap me, I warned him not to try it. Finally, he offered me a drink of wine, so I decided to share my cheese!”

Not all communication is oral, nor does it always involve words. Sign language is a prime example, a visual language of hand signals and gestures that primarily expresses concepts or ideas, not individual words.

It also relies heavily on eye contact, facial expressions, and body language — other forms of speechless communication that are innately human.

While Judaism places great importance on the power of speech, it also acknowledges the potency of non-verbal communication.

Peppered throughout the Bible, wordless episodes are particularly adept at conveying emotions and expressing meaning.

After eating the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, Adam and Eve sewed fig leaves to cover their nakedness, bare skin that just moments earlier had no physical or moral significance.

Then, hearing God’s voice on the breeze, they hid amid the garden’s trees.

Sitting by a well in Midian, Moses observed a band of shepherds tormenting young women watering their flocks. Moses stood up and rescued the women.

Desperate to escape from the murderous King Saul, David fled to enemy Philistine territory where he was soon recognized. Allowing spittle to run down into his beard as he scratched aimlessly at the city gates, David deliberately transformed his demeanor into that of a harmless otherworldly lunatic and escaped the city unharmed.

Woven throughout Jewish culture and worship, speechless rituals express a wide range of concepts and values.

Lighting a yahrzeit candle on the anniversary of a beloved individual’s death conveys respect for the departed, honors their legacy, and affirms the value of remembrance, all without words.

When entering or exiting a Jewish home, the custom of touching the mezuzah is a silent declaration of reverence for God and Torah and an acknowledgement of God’s abiding presence.

The act of reclining during the Passover meal proclaims the Israelites’ liberation from slavery and the Seder’s themes of personal dignity, royalty, and freedom.

Facing toward Jerusalem for prayer is a non-verbal declaration of remembrance and reverence for Israel’s ancient history, for its Promised Land, and especially for God’s holy city and its Temple Mount.

Every person’s first language is the inborn’s capacity for nonverbal facial and body language which, just like a spoken language, must be learned in order to be effective.

But it is rarely taught beyond infancy. Consequently, Rabbi Erica Brown notes, “Sometimes we don’t realize the way our faces talk.”

Or the way our bodies speak, either. A single verse in the Talmud remedies that omission by teaching the skills and foundational principle of facial and body language.

The first-century scholar Shammai used to say: “You should receive kol ha’adam b’sever panim yafot, every person with a pleasant cast of countenance.”

Kol ha’adam: Greet or welcome every person. Not just someone you know or like, but also those you find annoying or intolerable, and even the stranger. A person should feel like they’re noticed.

B’sever: Turn your thoughts away from other tasks or interests and toward the person you greet. The Hebrew also implies turning your body toward the person, to express interest or focused attention on the individual, even if only for a brief moment. A sense of shared humanity, an I-Thou connection rather than an I-It relationship, is the goal.

Panim: The Hebrew word for face is always plural, brilliantly capturing its multifaceted constantly changing nature. Look at each other, face to face, eye to eye, and really see one another in the moment.

Yafot: Beautiful or pleasant are two positive visages among the up to 10,000 distinct expressions that one can create using the human face’s 43 facial muscles. Convey the message that you are happy to see the person you greet.

Ahead of his time, the 19th-century religious thinker Rabbi Israel Salanter was known for encouraging mindfulness about the emotional and social impacts of one’s demeanor on others.

It’s likely he would agree with this revised version of his oft-quoted words: “A person’s countenance (and body language are) like public property. (They give) us the power to help or harm everyone we meet without saying a word.”

Literature to share

Sorry, Sorry, Sorry: The Case for Good Apologies by Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy. Now is a good time for honing one’s apology-making and apology-receiving skills —but don’t think the process has to be tedious or boring. Sprinkled throughout with research from neuroscience and psychology, “fauxpologies,” anecdotes, and lots of humor, this do-it-yourself guide reveals why we find apologizing so difficult, points out the missteps we might have been making, and offers six easy-to-follow steps for apologizing effectively.

Detour Ahead by Pamela Ehrenberg and Tracy López. A National Jewish Book Award finalist, this middle-grade novel follows the intersecting stories of Gila, a neurodiverse breakdance-loving Jewish girl who is preparing for her bat mitzvah, and Guillermo, a Salvadoran American boy who loves poetry. Their alternating voices and different styles of expression bring the characters to life as they share their perspectives on family, the challenges of the tween years, and the meaning of friendship in this engaging and inspiring tale.

To experience the transforming power of a smile in real time, check out Nice Smile Under Classic Portraits by Flower Hakka.

To read the complete July 2025 Dayton Jewish Observer, click here.