Sacred Speech Series

Jewish Family Education with Candace R. Kwiatek, The Dayton Jewish Observer

“Words spoken can never be taken back,” mused blogger Lilah Peck. “‘You have a huge nose!’ someone shouted at me in the first grade. I never noticed my nose before, but suddenly every time I looked in the mirror, it was all 7-year-old me could see. Those five words manifested into a painful insecurity that took me years to shake. You never know how your words will impact someone, or for how long.”

Peck’s story underscores recent discoveries in modern psychology and other fields indicating innate connections between words and emotions and how people view the world, including themselves.

While the studies are new, these connections were addressed more than 3,000 years ago by a pair of commandments in the Holiness Code of Leviticus.

The text reads, “When you sell property to your neighbor, or buy from your neighbor, you shall not wrong (onaah) one another.”

This caution is echoed three verses later: “Do not wrong (onaah) one another, but fear your God, for I am the Lord your God.”

Every word in the Torah is intentional and purposeful, and the use of onaah is a prime example.

According to biblical commentator Rabbi Samson R. Hirsch, the Hebrew root of onaah conveys a sense of “the exploitation of human weakness in order to victimize.”

In the first verse, exploitation occurs during commercial activity, by overcharging or underpaying, for example.

Exploitation in the second verse is described as taking place between people, but not in any particular setting.

The ancient sages of the Talmud concluded this wrongful behavior is onaat devarim, unrighteous speech, broadly defined as verbal harassment or mistreatment that causes emotional pain or distress.

Since the malicious intent of words is often hidden, a warning that implies God sees and knows everything is included in the text.

Comparing the two biblical verses highlights the greater severity of onaat devarim. Wrongful speech alone is followed by “fear your God.” Verbal exploitation injures a person’s self-worth and even their soul, not just money or property. And verbal damage to one’s being cannot easily be remedied, while money or property can be restored.

Still, for reasons that include greed, a desire for power, and self-interest over empathy, many people deliberately engage in onaat devarim.

Furthermore, its invisible nature allows for plausible deniability, notes Rabbi Dena Weiss. She imagines likely internal monologues: “How will someone know if I’m intentionally giving bad advice?” “Maybe I’m trying to be complimentary when I (mention how much weight someone lost) — I’m letting everyone know how far this person has come!”

Or, Weiss continues, there’s the “no offense” defense: “If a comment isn’t designed to be hurtful or isn’t obviously harmful, then it must be OK.”

It’s likely we’ve all heard the following justifications: “I didn’t mean anything by my comment!” “I meant it to be funny!”

It’s even possible to be unaware of committing onaat devarim. However, it’s the impact on the victim that counts, even if malicious intent was unintended, Weiss concludes.

With this in mind, it would be wise to follow the adage, “Think before you speak,” considering both one’s intentions and one’s choice of words so as not to intentionally or unintentionally cause negative emotions in someone.

A biblical family affair. Widowed twice but bound by the law of levirate marriage to Judah’s youngest son, Tamar was deliberately prevented from marrying by Judah himself. When Tamar became pregnant years later, she was accused of adultery.

As she awaited execution, Tamar privately sent Judah the personal items he had left with her during an unwitting tryst. To avoid embarrassing him publicly, her accompanying message was cryptic, “By the man whose these are, I am with child.”

Anyone who verbally humiliates another in public, it is as if that person shed blood.

Bean there, done that. Ari was looking forward to buying the espresso machine just discounted online but wanted to check it out before spending the hefty price. So he went to a nearby kitchenware retail store and spent time with a salesperson asking about its various features, comparing its cost to other models, and requesting a demonstration.

Satisfied, Ari thanked the salesperson and returned home, where he made his online purchase.

One may not deceive a merchant by asking the price of an item when one has no intention of buying or has no money.

Tormenting teasing. “Nice haircut—did you lose a bet?” “Remember when you tripped in front of everyone at the party? Classic you!” “I’ve lost your passport. Only joking!”

Dictionary.com defines the word tease as, “to make fun of or attempt to provoke in a playful or good-natured way.” However, searches for synonyms reveal negative ones — annoy, mock, ridicule, provoke, goad, and put down — vastly outnumbering positive ones.

There is a fine line between playful teasing and tormenting, clarified by Rashi: It is forbidden to yaknit — tease a person, making them feel anguish by saying something that will distress them.

Nicknames. Growing up in a neighborhood filled with kids around my age, it was inevitable that we’d all acquire nicknames. George was dubbed Georgie-porgie, a dubious but memorable moniker. He seemed unaffected by the title, but who knows?

Based on my surname, I was tagged with the seemingly innocuous “Kibbel-kid.” But every time I heard it, I cringed, visualizing the dry pellets of dog food known as kibble.

You may not use a derogatory nickname or any other embarrassing name, even if the person is used to it.

To protect it from misuse, God designed the tongue with two gates to guard it: teeth and lips, explains Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis.

“Before we use our tongues, we should…carefully consider whether we should allow our tongues to speak or whether it would be wiser to remain silent and keep the gates closed.”

Literature to share

Tap Dancing on Everest: A Young Doctor’s Unlikely Adventure by Mimi Zieman. This improbable but oh-so-true memoir recounts the author’s audacious attempt to summit Mt. Everest by way of a new route on its formidable East Face, with no supplemental oxygen, sherpas, or possibility for rescue. Woven throughout are fascinating Jewish connections and personal insights.

Violin of Hope by Ella Schwartz. Inspired by true stories, this beautifully crafted picture book for elementary ages tells of a beloved violin stolen by the Nazis, discarded for decades, then rescued by a luthier — a person who makes stringed musical instruments — who repaired and restored it. He sold it to Isaac, a young boy who eventually became an accomplished violinist playing concerts all around the world. Author’s notes about Jews and violins, Nazi looting, luthiers, and the Violins of Hope project add even more depth to an already splendid story.

To read the complete February 2025 Dayton Jewish Observer, click here.