Sacred Speech Series

Jewish Family Education with Candace R. Kwiatek, The Dayton Jewish Observer

On her 80th birthday, a feisty Jewish woman makes out her last will and testament, then visits her rabbi to discuss two final wishes. The first is that she be cremated. Knowing that argument is useless, the rabbi asks, “So what’s your second request?”

“I want my ashes scattered over Bloomingdale’s.”

“Why Bloomingdale’s?”

“That way, I‘ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week!”

Criticism has been a conspicuous feature in Jewish culture throughout the ages. One might suspect its source is the Talmud. This compilation of Jewish theology, law, tradition, and legend comprises 2,711 double-sided pages of tightly-packed commentary interwoven with countless arguments, reproofs, and criticism by generations of scholars, sages, and rabbis.

Criticism’s source could be biblical role models. Abraham called out God over Sodom’s impending destruction. Jethro criticized Moses’ process for solving disputes. Deborah reproved the clans of Reuben for their indecisiveness over joining Barak in battle.

Nathan rebuked King David for his dalliance with Bathsheba and orchestration of her husband’s death. The Prophets excoriated Israel for its idolatry and other iniquities.

In the final analysis, however, the Jewish proclivity for criticism was established at Sinai: “You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and you shall incur no guilt because of him.”

Simply put, “Don’t silently resent or hate a person who engages in unscrupulous behavior. Speak up, or you become complicit in their wrongdoing, but don’t sin while rebuking them.”

This pair of commandments highlights the importance of mutual responsibility in building and maintaining a righteous society, Rabbi Avraham Fischer explains. Each person depends on everyone aspiring to elevated behavior, which sometimes requires criticism.

A Yiddish proverb: He who acquires knowledge without imparting it to others is like a flower in the desert where there is no one to enjoy it.

The Jewish notion of criticism or rebuke, tochecha in Hebrew, is “unsolicited advice; a spoken frankness that reveals a fixable flaw,” Rabbi Eli Freedman explains.

Yet the flaw itself isn’t the primary reason for tochecha; its motivation is “genuine concern for another human being.” But most recipients don’t recognize the heartfelt concern in a rebuke, perceiving it as an attack or rejection and responding with defensiveness or hostility.

The thought of rebuking someone can be unnerving, resulting in a tendency to say nothing and allowing one’s concerns and feelings to fester.

The Talmudic sages acknowledged these challenges. “I would be surprised if there is anyone in this generation who can receive rebuke,” Rabbi Tarphon observed. Rabbi Elazar ben Azaria replied, “I would be surprised if there is anyone in this generation who knows how to rebuke correctly.”

So exactly what are the qualities of tochecha, criticism that is both truly constructive and genuinely caring?

Motive. Tochecha is most effective when one first remembers the other person’s essential goodness, and even voices their respect and appreciation, psychotherapist Estelle Frankel notes. Pointing out a shortcoming or misdeed then becomes an expression of care and concern rather than a negative critique or arm-twisting. The purpose of tochecha isn’t to force change, but to raise awareness and create the desire for change. “If properly intended and given,” Rabbi Bradley Shavit Artson writes, rebuke becomes “an affirmation that the person is worth the effort in the first place, and…that he or she remains capable of improvement.”

Approach. The foundations of tochecha are forthrightness and consideration for the other person’s integrity and temperament. Rebuke is given with humility and empathy, gently, privately, and when critique is most likely to be heard. It involves listening in order to understand and respond to the other person’s way of looking at things, and requires giving the other person the benefit of the doubt. Constructive by nature, tochecha also addresses solutions for change or improvement.

Implementation. From the repetition in the verse, “you shall surely rebuke,” the Talmudic sages infer an obligation to reprove at least twice, even as many as 100 times! That is, by breaking up criticism into 100 small parts, a person can incrementally assimilate another point of view, recognize his shortcoming, and effect a change, Rabbi Eli Scheller explains.

Humor, often built around exposing a moral flaw, can also be a powerful tactic for moral criticism. Research at Rutgers has shown that “precisely because it’s funny and entertaining, humor is capable of engaging and motivating people.” Most other storytelling genres can be equally effective.

During a visit with Rabbi Kook in prestate Israel, the philanthropist Nathan Strauss donated 100 pounds to improve the conditions of the Jews in Jerusalem. The rabbi responded with a story. A prince lost his way in the woods. He stumbled upon a peasant’s hut where he was fed a simple meal of bread and hard boiled eggs. When the prince asked what he owed, the peasant answered, “One thousand pieces of silver.” Astonished, the prince asked, “Why so much? After all, you only served an ordinary meal.”

“True,” the peasant agreed, “but you are special, so the price should be special.” Strauss got the point and donated a much larger sum.

According to Torah commentator Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch, “One should thank an individual who offers genuine constructive criticism, regarding him or her as a friend and not an enemy.”

After all, Rabbi Nachman of Bratslav noted, “If you won’t be better tomorrow than you were today, then what need do you have for tomorrow?”

Literature to share

We Are Not Strangers by Josh Tuininga. When a number of unfamiliar Japanese American families show up at the funeral of his beloved Sephardic American grandfather, Papoo, Marco Calvo is surprised. He soon hears an astonishing story about Papoo and his friend, Sam Akiyama, who was forced into a Japanese internment camp during World War II. Inspired by real events, this fictional tale of friendship, responsibility, and what it means to be an American, is brilliantly retold as a graphic novel for mature readers and adults.

Rivka’s Presents by Laurie Wallmark. With her father sick from the flu and her mother working at the shirtwaist factory, Rivka must stay home from school to care for her little sister. Undeterred, she devises a clever plan to continue learning by involving her neighbors on the Lower East Side. Whimsical illustrations and simple, engaging text targeted to preschool and early elementary ages offer a simple introduction to the immigrant era of the early 1900s while highlighting the qualities of resilience and creativity and the importance of learning and community.

To read the complete December 2024 Dayton Jewish Observer, click here.