Back to Basics Series

Jewish Family Education With Candace R. Kwiatek, The Dayton Jewish Observer

If you could guarantee your child would be one of the following, which would you most want him or her to be: happy, good, successful or smart? First described by commentator Dennis Prager, this exercise has a second part. “Ask your children — whether they are 5 or 45 — what they think you most want them to be: happy, good, successful or smart.”

Many parents are surprised by their children’s answers, Prager notes. While most parents want their kids to be good above all else, “kids didn’t think that being good mattered to most parents.”

Parents’ job isn’t to make children feel good. Their primary task is to bring up children — and ultimately the adults they become — to be individuals of good character who do good. In other words, menschen.

This is the Torah’s message throughout: “Do what is good and right”— love the stranger, give tzedakah, show kindness to animals, care for the needy, refrain from stealing, lying, and gossiping, and the list goes on.

Character development expert Michele Borba concurs: “Kids not only (need to) think morally but also act morally…unless children know how to act right, their moral development is defective. After all, we’ve always known that the true measure of character rests in our actions — not in mere thoughts.” Or, I would add, not in mere feelings.

A parenting goal of good character doesn’t mean downplaying academic achievement, athletic or artistic excellence, extracurricular participation, or any of the meaningful endeavors of youth.

However, none of these activities leads to goodness. After all, some of the most intellectual and accomplished individuals are morally bankrupt. Thus, the most important goal of raising children must be building moral intelligence.

Borba concludes that the “habits and beliefs of Moral Intelligence we instill in our kids now…will greatly decide our children’s moral destinies and will be our greatest legacy.”

This means that parents need to consciously and overtly communicate — through word and deed — an expectation of goodness.

Moral intelligence is recognizing right and wrong, developing moral and ethical convictions based on that knowledge, and doing the right and honorable thing.

The originators of the concept, Doug Lennick and Fred Kiel, and current expert Borba agree: moral intelligence is a learned skill, not an inborn trait, beginning with moral habits and advancing to moral reasoning.

The biggest challenge to moral intelligence is the growing influence of relativism, the notion that all points of view are equally valid and that there is no objective standard of truth or morality.

The individual becomes the measure of what is good: what is right for (or preferred or liked by) the self must be good. If one simply intends to do good for others, that too is enough, irrespective of the consequences.

In contrast, Judaism and the Judeo-Christian tradition affirm moral absolutes established by the transcendent wisdom of the Bible, whose focus is personal and communal character. It provides an objective set of ethical principles and moral obligations, emphasizes doing good over feeling good, and weighs good outcomes over intentions. Without such a blueprint, we can’t even begin to build Moral Intelligence.

In her book Raising a Mensch, Shelley Rosenberg identifies four easy-to-remember techniques for teaching moral intelligence: modeling, verbalizing, engaging, and supporting.

In Borba’s numerous books and articles, these techniques come to life in specific suggestions for developing moral habits and reasoning.

Here are some examples: “Become the living textbook of morality that you want your child to copy…Take time to tell and show kids how to be kind — never assume they have that knowledge…Catch your child acting morally by describing what she did right and why you appreciate it…Talk about moral issues as they come up, so your child can hear your moral beliefs…If you want your child to act morally, then expect moral behaviors from her…Surround your child with people of high character.”

“A mensch is someone esteemable, and true esteem is from recognition of doing good,” notes Rabbi Joseph Telushkin. “Parents and adults should reserve their highest praise for goodness, indicating that being a good person is what matters most.”

When a child misses the mark, responding with only a gentle admonishment followed by encouragement is particularly effective. My favorite expression is the Yiddish “Es pas nisht,” “This does not become you,” or “It isn’t like you to behave in this way,” followed by a reassurance that the child will do better next time.

Finally, in those moments when a youngster doesn’t “feel like” being a mensch, you can teach an important life lesson by remarking, “Wanting to isn’t required.”

Of the seven questions everyone will be asked upon arriving in heaven, the first will be about moral goodness: “Did you deal honestly with people in your business practices?”

Perhaps we should be less concerned about whether our children are happy, successful, or smart, and focus more on their Moral Intelligence Quotient.

Literature to share

Hanukkah Cookies with Sprinkles by David Adler. The Festival of Lights and Shabbat get a new twist in this illustrated book for elementary ages. Featuring a non-nuclear family and a multi-ethnic urban neighborhood, the story focuses on values of caring, generosity, and welcoming guests. The illustrations are delightful.

Aphrodite and the Rabbis: How the Jews Adapted Roman Culture to Create Judaism As We Know It by Burton Visotzky. Although Jewish tradition characterizes Ancient Rome as the enemy, Visotzky argues that the Judaism we know today was founded in Roman culture, whose influences are still in evidence. Although the topic is deep, the engaging style and fascinating ideas that span history, religion, and the arts will keep the reader fully engaged.

To read the complete December 2016 Dayton Jewish Observer, click here.